To all who are weary...

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

This was written by Paul in a letter to the Galatians. I know how hard it is to be good sometimes. It can be tiring and painful and sometimes it can break your heart.

But it is worth it. Or at least, it will be.

Love,
Jessi

Engagement Pics!

Yeah not mine :)

I had the honor of shooting an Engagement Session for my good friends Erin and Jonathan. Aren't they cute?!? Here are some of my faves:

Congratulations Jonathan and Erin! To see the full shoot, click here.

Choice and Fate

The debate on choice versus fate is as old as time. I hate making decisions and so the two have really meant the same thing to me - you can choose whatever you want, but what is meant to be will be. That's the safe answer, the easy answer, but is it truth? Or can our choices change our fate? What is fate anyway?

What about phrases like "I was meant to do this" or "They were meant to be together"? If that person had chosen differently then they would have been meant to do something else or be with someone else. So whatever we choose, that is what we were meant for?

That terrifies me.

Like I said, I hate making decisions. I avoid them at all costs. I don't make plans until the day of. I commit to nothing. Can we say issues?

So much seems to ride on every choice that we make. Our lifestyle, our career choice, our soulmate - we must make those decisions. And those are freakin big decisions.

I think this recent freak out moment comes due to my recent birthday. The big 2-5. Quarter of a freakin century. My choices really mean something now. I guess they always have, but they seem to have so much more weight now. Turns out growing up is tough junk.

So how do I know if I am making the right decision? How do I know that the right choice is still yet to come? What if I want this now, but it's only a want, and not right? How do I know what's really truly right? I want to trust that the Lord has my junk under control. But sweet mercy, He still makes me make the choice.

My analytical skills obviously get in my way sometimes. I should just go where my heart takes me right? Because if my heart is in God's heart, then my wants are His wants. Right?!?

This is too much to think about at midnight. I just want to make good choices. And I want to know that I've made good choices.

A very good friend told me that sometimes you just have to make a choice and then own it. Maybe that's the key. You make a choice and own that choice and it will be blessed. I believe that God is big enough to bless the choices that we make even if we don't make great ones. I do believe that. At least I believe that.

it is time to let go of fear.

here is what i read today. maybe it will help you too.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.'

-Psalm 91:9-16

as surely as i know thee...

thou art good.

"it is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority"

ugh.

where babies come from.

according to Sadie on Knocked up:

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

words

are powerful.

the things you say mean something to someone, no matter how much importance you put on them. words can hurt people. i guarantee that someone out there remembers something you said to them long ago. words stick around.

words can hurt yourself too. i have come to find that the more i call myself "socially awkward" the more socially awkward i become. or how about "i am a selfish beast". i probably shouldn't have said that. next thing i'll be selling my kid for cuter ikea furniture or something.

anyway, all i really wanted to say is, well, be careful what you say. you never know who's gonna remember it. so let's make sure what we say is good, something we want remembered.

love,
jessi

and p.s. an interesting oversight on words that i look at nearly every day: my blog title should be "to grow to learn to love to live" i'll fix it later.

i am a selfish beast

sadly, i think i've had that post title before. will i ever learn? why is it so hard for me to let go of myself and my selfish ways? i love people, i do, but when their wants and needs get in the way of my single-minded desires for myself and for what i think is the "greater good" (but is more often my own kinda-good-but-only-in-this-moment-good), i do not care or see to care about anything else.

really.

I wanted to go to Auburn since I was 7 years old because my favorite teacher went there and after i made up my mind, there was no turning back. could I afford college? No. Could my parents? No. So did i go to the college that offered the best scholarships? Of course not.

And then, when i was bored of Auburn and needed an adventure, did i take a weekend road trip to Disney World? Well yes, but before that I moved to New Zealand. Could I afford to move and go to school in New Zealand for a semester? No. I used up every penny of savings I had that I was supposed to use for paying off my student loans. Of course, Auburn and New Zealand both ended up being an excellent experience for me, but am i still paying off my $30,000 in student loans? Yes.

oi.

so forget about money. what about people? what about when I decide on exactly how I want to fall in love and who I want to fall in love with? or when I decide what career makes me most happy? where does selfishness cross the line? I cannot hold on to everything. I cannot decide everything.

And honestly, there are some things that I don't want to decide on because I suck at knowing what is best for me.

I just wish I knew how to let go of that overwhelming desire to control what I get to do and how I get to do it. I wish I was strong enough to let myself go.

is it normal to be in a constant state of nausea?