"it is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority"

ugh.

where babies come from.

according to Sadie on Knocked up:

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

words

are powerful.

the things you say mean something to someone, no matter how much importance you put on them. words can hurt people. i guarantee that someone out there remembers something you said to them long ago. words stick around.

words can hurt yourself too. i have come to find that the more i call myself "socially awkward" the more socially awkward i become. or how about "i am a selfish beast". i probably shouldn't have said that. next thing i'll be selling my kid for cuter ikea furniture or something.

anyway, all i really wanted to say is, well, be careful what you say. you never know who's gonna remember it. so let's make sure what we say is good, something we want remembered.

love,
jessi

and p.s. an interesting oversight on words that i look at nearly every day: my blog title should be "to grow to learn to love to live" i'll fix it later.

i am a selfish beast

sadly, i think i've had that post title before. will i ever learn? why is it so hard for me to let go of myself and my selfish ways? i love people, i do, but when their wants and needs get in the way of my single-minded desires for myself and for what i think is the "greater good" (but is more often my own kinda-good-but-only-in-this-moment-good), i do not care or see to care about anything else.

really.

I wanted to go to Auburn since I was 7 years old because my favorite teacher went there and after i made up my mind, there was no turning back. could I afford college? No. Could my parents? No. So did i go to the college that offered the best scholarships? Of course not.

And then, when i was bored of Auburn and needed an adventure, did i take a weekend road trip to Disney World? Well yes, but before that I moved to New Zealand. Could I afford to move and go to school in New Zealand for a semester? No. I used up every penny of savings I had that I was supposed to use for paying off my student loans. Of course, Auburn and New Zealand both ended up being an excellent experience for me, but am i still paying off my $30,000 in student loans? Yes.

oi.

so forget about money. what about people? what about when I decide on exactly how I want to fall in love and who I want to fall in love with? or when I decide what career makes me most happy? where does selfishness cross the line? I cannot hold on to everything. I cannot decide everything.

And honestly, there are some things that I don't want to decide on because I suck at knowing what is best for me.

I just wish I knew how to let go of that overwhelming desire to control what I get to do and how I get to do it. I wish I was strong enough to let myself go.

is it normal to be in a constant state of nausea?

dumper's remorse

is an evil thing. maybe this is too soon, but what the hay, i'm trying to let go of my pride.

here is what i have learned over the last few weeks. being the dumper in a serious relationship sucks for the obvious reasons - you have to break someone's heart, yada yada. but what people never seem to talk about is the real hurt - the part where he gets over you.

now, as the dumper that's really all you want in the beginning. you want him to move on, date someone else - STOP CALLING YOU for pete's sake. it's over, it's been over, it's done.

but then it's a few months later, and he's dating someone else. and she's pretty.

who said she could be pretty?
and wait, why haven't you called me today?

i mean really, no one ever told me that the dumper has to go through it all over again when the dumpee moves on. no one. so that is why i am here today my friends. GET READY. it blows.

now i'm thinking that surely it is normal for a dumper to have doubts about the dump when the dumpee decides to move on. because when a dumpee moves on, they pretty much die in the dumper's eyes. i mean literally, it feels like he died or something. you think you hate the way he still looks at you, the way he hugs you, the way he calls you and compliments you. just wait until he stops. if i had nads, this is probably what it would feel like to get kicked in them.

ugh, how incredibly selfish i am. are all dumpers like this? was there this strange upheaval in your world when your ex got over you?

of course, considering my ex is probably the only person who reads my blog i may never know. no wait - does he even read my blog anymore?!?

but you know, i am so glad to feel something. even if it feels like my guts are being sucked through a crazy straw, it is so good to know that i'm not a total heartless female dog. and so good to know that he is ok. and that i am going to be ok. because this is the way it was supposed to be all along. we needed this. as it turns out, i needed this more than he did.


and finally, there's closure.

you don't always get what you want

Why is it that when you think you know what you want and then you get it you just aren't so sure you want it anymore, but you don't want to go back to what you had either so you're just kinda stuck in this place where nothing is quite right?

you know what i mean?

hmph.

this is why i haven't been blogging.

i don't even know what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks i'm talking about.

i just feel like i had to say something.

what a man can endure

I just finished reading the book The Long Walk by Slavomir Rawicz. It's this incredible true story of a Polish officer who was taken prisoner by the Russians during World War II. He was accused of being a spy and put through unbelievable tortures before finally being sentenced to 25 yrs hard labor in a camp in southern Siberia. A camp he and 6,000 other prisoners had to march some hundreds of miles through Siberian winter to get to. And that isn't even the Long Walk he is referring to in his title.

I don't want to give to much of the book away, but suffice it to say that he marched thousands of more miles and endured unimaginable hardships before the book's end.

He was 25 when he did this. My age.

When I think about what a man can truly endure I am amazed. If we needed to, we could go days without food or water. If we really needed to, we could walk 20 miles a day every day for days without food or water. It makes me wonder what I can really endure. I mean I complain a lot. It's too hot, its too cold, I'm starving, I think I'm dying. I have never starved a day in my life.

Weeks at a time without food, without water, cracked and blistered feet, lice, stink, and thousands of miles of desert, mountains and icy rivers ahead of him before he reached freedom.
All Slav needed was hope, and of course the friends who kept him hopeful. That finish line is what got him there. The hope of reaching the end, the hope for freedom.

The fuel for endurance is hope.

I can endure this.

Whatever I am going through right now I can endure it.

Whether it's a broken heart, a broken spirit, a broken faith - the worst of all things - I can endure it, if only there is hope.

To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help

um, what did you just say?

So I listening to NPR this morning (I know, right? I am my father's daughter) and this guy was announcing the morning's headlines. It went something like this.

Yesterday Afghanistan began its second ever vote for president. There were scattered reports of violence and the Taliban was threatening to cut off the hands of anyone who showed up at the polls. The Dow went down three point yesterday...BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Are you kidding me? Did you just say that PEOPLE WERE GETTING THEIR HANDS CUT OFF for voting for a new president and you did not even muster up a pause, a hesitation, or maybe, I dunno, an inflection of some sort insinuating the fact that HOLY CRAP PEOPLE ARE GETTING THEIR HANDS CUT OFF FOR VOTING?!?

Sweet Mother of Jehovah. I was a little ticked. I mean come on guys. Who was scared to vote for Obama, or McCain for that matter? (I mean besides the fear of the Antichrist as President vs. facing another 40 year war?) How about I VOTED FOR RON PAUL.

Come and get me.